Point: The electrolyte-and-a-sandwich approach.

Originally published in The Fulcrum:

Many people may claim to have the answer to the common hangover and will sell you false hope by assailing you with stories of their own experiences or those of a friend of a friend—you know the deal. Although nothing can substitute a long day of sleeping, most of us have things to do with our day. In my experiences, I have found that only one thing is a surefire cure. You must start by eating a large peanut butter sandwich. For the uninitiated this may seem absurd, but when you drink, you get hungry—and nothing starts a day off wrong like not eating well. Follow this food with a Tylenol for good measure. Finally, locate and consume a glass of orange juice. Your body looses electrolytes and vitamin C during the course of a night of binge drinking, so replace them both with a nice, cold glass of splattered fruit. Should all else fail (and I can’t say that it won’t) the one thing your body is missing that it had when you didn’t have this hangover is, of course, more alcohol. So assuming that you didn’t swear off the drink forever, take one more for the road... and clean up the vomit on my floor before you leave.

Point: The rectangular breakfast

Originally published in The Fulcrum:

The breakfast wars are far from over. Bacon and eggs are always good for a mean meal in the mornings, but for those of us who roll out of bed 10 minutes before class, hoping that we can fit in a shower beforehand, this normally isn’t a good option. So for the starved survivors of this daily ordeal there is only one alternative—the Pop Tart. This rectangular food item is remarkable for a multitude of reasons. It can be eaten hot or cold. Try to do that with your favourite breakfast cereal... I dare you. Avoid scurvy with this fruit flavoured treat, as inside the crusty baked container is "real fruit". For us feverish freshmen, don’t worry, this meal may be packed with sugar… but walking from classes to your dorm room will burn it off, right? (Please don’t blame me if you gain 15 pounds this year).

Point: The house party is dead

Originally published in The Fulcrum:

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the tragic loss of the house party. You were lost to us far too young."

That’s right, folks, the house party is dead... and it seems like just yesterday that we were going to our first party without clowns or our parents. To quote notable party authority Jim Davis: "Sure we all have this mental image of a rowdy party animal boogieing across the coffee table with a lamp shade tilting crazily atop his head. But when was the last time you actually saw someone at a party wearing a lamp shade?"

The last good house party I attended, I had to throw. The rise of the dorm residence and the inclination to drink in a bar once you turn 19—or migrate to the other side of the river for those underagers—has lead to the inevitable demise of the house party. Unless you live at home, or have friends in the city who are still in high school, chances are you will spend most of your precious boozehound university days among the throngs of people standing outside Le Bop. So let us raise a glass to our dearly departed, "House party, lo how we will miss you."

CD Reviews

Originally published in The Fulcrum on various dates:

Telepopmusik - Angel Milk
Telepopmusik writes a love letter to your subconscious in this collection of electronica tracks that merge the sappy song with hypnotic beats you usually hear at raves. I want to sing along with the gruff voice of singer Angela McCluskey. This is definitely not a CD for the masses, as the cover’s trumpet playing panda bear may suggest, but the adventurous will find a few gems to capture the heart.

Lisa Marie Presley - Now What
Be prepared to bop your head as Lisa Marie’s husky voice brings depth to a CD that could have been like every piece of pop culture shoved down our gullets. A pseudo-rock feel is completed by impressive drumbeats and baselines. A scruffy rendition of "Dirty Laundry" is the pièce de résistance on this CD that is well worth its $15 price tag.

Twisted Sister - Live at the Wacken; The Reunion
If you are looking for a hard rock fix, Twisted Sister holds the answer. Their clipped lyrics and meaty guitar riffs remind us why we love classic rock. Unlike many live CDs, the ruckus of the crowd gives Twisted Sister white noise reminiscent of their old LPs. This album also features an ultra-sonic version of Steppenwolf’s "Born to be Wild". Live CDs are often gimmicks to separate a mark from his money, but this one is worth a listen.

Mack 10 - Hustla’s Handbook
"Cartman, this is not Mack 10!" Well, that’s where you’re wrong Kyle... The phat beats from the powerful subs in the back of the low riders are in fact the "hustlas" of Mack 10. These guys bust out the superficial rhymes like any present-day rapper. We have the standard sexual references, most of which are both overt and oddly creative ("in your walls like asbestos"). Unfortunately, with the number of times the N-bomb is dropped on this album, it would be surprising to hear these songs on the radio. If you are looking for your classic rap fix, and you know all of Ice Cube’s songs backwards, you could do worse than Mack 10’s latest fare.

The dos and don’ts

Originally published in The Fulcrum on Thursday February 16th:

Do carry cash: There’s nothing worse than getting there and having your debit card declined when you try to pay.

Don’t bitch about money: We all have problems with money, but your date doesn’t need to hear about it. Even if your goal on a date is to spend as little as possible, you should never complain about the price of something that you agreed to pay for. It will make you sound petty, and embarrass your date.

Do be confident: People with self-confidence and poise are the ones that get second dates. Be sure to make eye contact with your date, be decisive, and always have a plan. The words "I don’t know what we should do" must never fall from your lips.

Don’t do fast food: It may be cheap compared to a four-star, sit down, Italian restaurant, but there are cheaper alternatives to fast food, and certainly ones that make you look less like a cheap bastard. Remember, it’s better to be the world’s worst cook and make an effort than to order dinner from Pizza Pizza.

In university you are not the only one who is broke—remember that going on a date should be fun for everyone involved, and your date will appreciate the time and effort put into an outing, even if it cost a mere few dollars. And if they don’t? Well, who wants to date a snob anyway?

Sex: Dating on the cheap (without looking cheap)

Originally published in The Fulcrum on Thursday February 16th:

ONLY GOT 20 bucks but still want to impress your date?

There are lots of things you can do in Ottawa for little or no money without compromising your romantic integrity. You can still look cool and thoughtful while pinching pennies, it just takes some careful planning and—wait for it—conversation. That’s free.

Coffee date

In the 21st century, the coffee date is basically par for the course. Everyone loves coffee (maybe not the bean pickers, but everyone else). If you are going to attempt something so cliché as a coffee date, you must do it with originality and flare. Taking your date to a new, stylish coffee house is a good option, despite the daunting proliferation of the characterless Starbucks and Second Cup cafés. Ottawa has several alternatives to international corporations that can provide you with your caffeine fix. Bridgehead coffee provides its patrons with fair-trade coffee and has several locations around the city. The aptly named Tea Store sells tea from various nations and has a pleasantly upbeat atmosphere. Other options include sharing a sundae or gelato.

Movie date

In the vein of clichés, go to a movie. Popcorn and drinks will cost you a few extra dollars, and a good film can provide entertainment as well as a topic for later conversation. The artsy elite will enjoy the two downtown art houses: the Bytowne Cinema and the Mayfair. Their membership fees are not too expensive ($10 for Bytowne, $18 for Mayfair), and both allow you to see second-run/indie/foreign movies for cheaper than normal. Non-members will be asked to pony up some extra cash ($9 at both cinemas). The cinemas at the World Exchange Plaza ($9.95, $7.95 on Tuesday) and at the Rideau Centre ($6.95) both offer reasonable rates.

Bring the movies home

If you can convince your date that your dirty dorm room is more "intimate", a cheaper alternative is to rent a flick. Show a bit of class by picking up a video from one of Ottawa’s many independent movie rental locations. These include Laurier Video (250 Laurier Ave. E.), Invisible Cinema (319 Lisgar St.), or the Elgin Street Video Station (258 Elgin St.). Suave first-date flicks: The Motorcycle Diaries, Rushmore, In the Mood For Love, The Edukators, Amelie, etc.

Make ‘em laugh

Ottawa has two fine comedy clubs: Yuk Yuk’s (at 88 Albert St.) and Absolute Comedy (at 412 Preston St.) are both within walking distance of the U of O and feature a dining option for those who are so inclined. The frugal will note that Wednesdays have the cheapest cover-—$6.30 for Yuk Yuk’s and $5 for Absolute. Shows start at 8:30 p.m. Those with a sense of propriety must be warned, however, that the routines are uncensored by the club owners, so content is sometimes adult-themed and can be offensive.

Get your geek on!

The Ottawa area plays host to 29 museums. No matter your predilection, you can find a museum that will keep you and your date entertained for hours. A quick visit to the Museum of Nature (240 McLeod St.) won’t dent your pocketbook, as it accepts donations until September 2006 (but try to look cool when you opt out). The kid in you may enjoy a stint at the Museum of Science and Technology where, during the last hour of the day, admission is free. For a scant $5 (for students), you can make an afternoon of it. You may also want to check out the Museum of Civilization in Gatineau (just across the bridge), where entrance is $6 and you can catch an IMAX movie for $8.

Put your ear to the underground

One look at a campus lamppost (or www.punkottawa.ca) and you can find dozens of upcoming shows all across the city. Shows are listed as all ages, 19+, or all ages/19+. You can normally buy tickets in advance and save a few bucks in the process. On top of the extra change in your pockets, it guarantees your ability to attend the show—because it doesn’t look very impressive if you get turned away from a show you were looking forward to.

Get outside

A great deal of fun can be had outdoors without dropping a dime. The limited patches of greenery scattered around the downtown core, Sandy Hill, and the U of O campus can make a great place for picnics—a little oasis in the urban sprawl can be romantic. Indulging your inner child is another option, and finding a park where you and your date can play on the swings will provide hours of giggly fun. Or find a nice warm blanket and spend hours stargazing. It seems too early to be thinking about spring, but a day at the beach (Mooney’s Bay is an Ottawa favourite) is both fun and cheap.